Communication is so essential to remaining balanced.
I mean, how is someone going to know what you may want or need, if you don’t actually tell them. However, being open and real with people takes courages. Being vulnerable with one’s desires is a truly frightening thing.
Verbalising how we feel and truly feel is very difficult, but if we do mince our words we allow the receiver of our message to assume. By speaking openly and honestly we’ve already overcome the largest part of miscommunication.
Honestly, assumptions are dangerous and difficult to correct. We often wrap our words in cotton to protect the ones we are speaking with, miss-communicating what we truly intend. Especially since we only use words for 40% of our communication. The other 60% is made up by our body language.
Talking, and doing so effectively, is a powerful skill. A skill we all need to work toward constantly.Whether it’s communicating in the work place, with friends or in a romantic relationship. Without effective communication, we open doors for manipulation, assumptions and most certainly misunderstandings. These things come with a heavy price.
Let’s have a look at how we communicate, and how certain emotions manifest in different ways.
Responding from a place of pain.
Sadness, when experienced for an extended time, can be overwhelming. Often unexplainable, a hurt so deep that we struggle to identify it as hurt, so we erupt in anger. Lashing out and raising our voices, rather than explicitly identifying that we’ve once again have been triggered in the same painful manner as before, adding more pain to an existent wound.
Responding in anger is a defensive mechanism, a way to protect against the same hurt or added hurt. Not all anger stems from sadness, sometimes it is truly a feeling of being violated or unappreciated, but beware of both when you find yourself being slightly more aggressive than assertive.
Seeking approval can be tiring.
Constantly seeking others' approval, may lead to feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, doing things because of others on a continual basis, causes confusion, between your own expectations and needs and that of others. (It could) possibly even (confuse) your identity.
Putting yourself last all the time, may lead to irritability and passive aggressive behaviour. It often manifests as a feeling of not being cared for, a constant giving on your part while receiving nothing in return.
Feeling overlooked and under appreciated. Saying yes to everything constantly, rather than putting your needs first.
Requesting time to think before responding yes, will allow you to check whether you really want to commit to another responsibility. Whether you truly have the energy. There is no harm in saying “Thank you for the invite or request, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Saying yes to everyone may sometimes mean you're saying no to yourself. Make sure you have a healthy balance of what you need and what your people need.
No one will like you any less if you can’t attend every function or be at their side every second.
Compare yourself less.
We are often quick to identify jealousy, but not to sure where it stems from.
Insecurities about oneself can often manifest as the green eyed monster.
Resulting in gossiping, break down of another’s strengths rather than appreciating your own.
It’s difficult to always be number one, but the reality of life, as difficult as it may sound… is there will always be someone better, someone smarter, someone younger, BUT there will never be another human that’s been weaved together like you have been! There is no one who will see the world the way you do. Self acceptance and humility can go a very long way in preventing jealousy of rooting in your world. Admiring someone’s strengths and asking them how they managed to achieve whatever it may be, may actually lead to your own strengths growing.
Steer clear of comparing yourself and seeing yourself in a negative light. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and no one can be the beauty that is you, warts and all. You are unique.
Communicating assertively is your key!
How to be assertive and communicate your needs whether you are feeling sad, angry, insecure or overlooked.
State your wants and needs clearly, make eye contact, make sure to speak in a polite tone of voice with the appropriate volume.
Respect yourself and the person you are communicating with, we can’t expect respect if we don’t show it ourselves.
Take responsibility for your emotions and express them in a calm and composed manner, you certainly don’t want to be shouting or threatening at this time.
Plan what you want to say, know what you require to happen after this conversation and communicate it clearly. When necessary be firm and confident in your “No”.
The whole purpose behind assertive communication is expressing your wants and needs, while listening without interrupting the person you are communicating with, together with sticking to what you know you require.
Having said that, know that arguing is a healthy concept. It simply means that you are invested in what you believe in and are trying to convey the message that your beliefs are as important as the next person's. It’s how you argue that makes the difference. The most powerful skill during an argument is being able to receive all the messages, possible attacks and remain visibly calm and assertive.
Calmness and composure result in effective communication and powerful responses as well as sticking to what you may want and need.
All and all.
It’s about knowing who you are, what you stand for and how far you are willing to negotiate what’s important to you .
In short .
- Anger may be extended sadness.
- People pleasing can be exhausting.
- Jealousy often manifests from our insecurities.
- Being assertive is key.
- Arguing isn’t bad, it’s how it’s done that matters.