I have recently been in the company of a variety of people, with a variety of perspectives and approaches .
Generally I applaud individuality and independence. Yet recently it has become more and more apparent, that understanding of another’s heart and core character aids in that respect and appreciation of individuality. Thus I also have come to learn, the importance of a tribe.
In this world in which we continue to rush from point a -b.
We need to know we have a safe place , a safe person to off load with , someone who just gets what we saying , no matter if we mumbling it through tears, screaming it at the top of our lungs a safe space to explode. Whether we are volcanoes and the eruption is large or a mere Champaign cork releasing from the bottle… we need somewhere we are able to explode.
I guess this is where counselling becomes so important, as it is a safe space - one that ultimately is there to help improve your mental space . It is still a relationship that needs to be developed with another human, but it’s one without expectation. A neutral environment to truly just be you either wonderfully composed and indifferent or as I often say a hot mess filled with an explosion of emotions.
As humans we generally carry a bit of pride with us, we don’t want to burden or hurdle others with our opinions or feelings , especially if we don’t feel they truly “see” what we see as the hurdle or worse they don’t see why it upsets us so much.
Resulting in us holding onto all the “ gaga stuff” as the poison builds up within us due to not having the necessary safe space to share what we need to, it does exactly what it’s name says… it slowly poisons us.
We become morbid, negative, overwhelmed and looking to just not feel or be present.
Suffering from a deep dark pain, that has a root we can’t identify leads us to over thinking. Beating ourselves up because we acting out of sorts. One of my favorite examples presently, is a compassionate person by nature and default, being unable to live by that. Hence becoming un-compassionate and down right aggravated by situations where one would normally show care and empathy.
What is the result … reflecting and concluding that you are a bad person. Thus the cycle of self loathing develops and spirals one into an even darker mental space.
Being human with a past and a constant disposition to triggers from past hurts, the above mentioned can be extremely harmful, especially when one has been working on self acceptance and self love.
It is so important to have a tribe, that can tactfully listen, tactfully hear the pain, the anguish, the frustration. A tribe that will be gently honest and guide within in reason. A group of people who can empathetically turn around hear what has been said and know how to respond within that moment. Be it , a response of nothing but a hug, or sitting and helping to workout what comes next, how progress can be maintained.
A like minded safe group of people where you can be you.
Often,despite having a fantastic tribe. We may still need an alternate sound board, someone completely uninvolved. Someone who hears what isn’t being said, someone which has the training and skills to guide one through the process without the fear of “behind my back…” conversations. Someone who is removed from the situation who is and will remain objective…
It’s one thing to identify what the problem maybe, it’s another to try and cope with it.
Here are a few tips to help guide yourself back to a space of light…
Acceptance :
Instinctively we try and correct our thoughts from negative to positive … rewire the way we speak and think, this can be tiring and frustrating when not achieved on the regular.
It is true that the human mind is perplexed by the negative . As soon as it’s mentioned that we shouldn’t do something we immediately focus on that shouldn’t . Pouring all our subconscious energy into “ I shouldn’t “ rather than it’s ok if I do, bad things come and go.
Practical example, instead of telling a child “Don’t run inside” , use the wording “walking feet inside”, it’s almost guaranteed if you tell someone not to do something they going to do exactly what you’ve told them not to.
Don’t think of an elephant…
See there you go innately thinking of one.
Perspective and acceptance go hand in hand. Acceptance allows us to let unpleasant experiences exist, without trying to alter or deny them, releasing us from a fixated negative perspective.
Cognitive defusion:
Allows one to make use of skills to look at the negative experience, and not become obsessed with it , but rather face it head on and allow it to pass.
Being present:
The ability to be self aware and accepting of what is happening in the moment without the need to predict what may happen next , whilst attempting to change the outcome of the experience . In a small way it requires the release of needing to control a situation, and rather just be in the moment, feel the feels, and allow them to be real without being fixated on what could follow.
Self context:
Being able to view one self as an individual that is more than their emotions, thoughts and past experiences. Looking at one self outside of the present situation. Accepting that one will be more than everything that has lead up to this specific moment in time … there is more to you than where you find yourself now.
Values:
They are an innate part of who we are as people. We all have a unique set of values we adhere to knowing or not knowing.
Having values as a guide for how we respond to situations, how we accept what is in our control or what is not.
The thing with out values, is that as soon as we are heading in the opposite direction of our values be it emotionally, physically or in our thoughts. Self loathing enters, followed by a longing for who we once were, a version of us we can’t ever get back, because in the case of time and living we constantly changing.Hence values exist to guide us and help us become who we want to be. Holding on to them and knowing what they are guides us toward correcting our perspectives, releasing what clashes with our energy and relinquishing control over situations that aren’t positive.
Committed action:
Being committed to feeling better, doing better and being better, is an active process, which we can reach when we become aware of our behavioral patterns and coping strategies. Adjusting our patterns and strategies, to break negative cycles and relinquish control should assist in reaching our goal of understanding and accepting ourselves along with learning to love ourselves.
So in short:
It’s an action.
We need to Act if we want to feel ok.
We need to accept that we can’t predict or change any situation.
We need to defuse the cognitive bomb we build in our minds by fixating on the negative.
We need to embrace the moment we find ourselves in, be it good or bad as both will pass.
Value ourselves as an individual that is more than the current situation. We find ourselves in.
Make use of our values be they conscience or sub-conscience to correct our thoughts and behaviors whilst being committed to feeling better.
All of the above can be done, with the help of a tribe of people, who are like mind, understanding and rooting for you.
Just be sure to communicate with your tribe, what you hoping to achieve while accepting that there is a possibility that you may need some professional guidance on developing the above skills.
There is no shame in asking for help.
There is no shame in sharing your pain , wanting to move forward and knowing there is someone out there who can guide you, hold you accountable and encourage you whilst you grow in understanding and acceptance of self . It’s important f, knowing that your health, isn’t just physical, but emotional and mental too .
If you are alone and struggling, reach out to someone , be it a friend or a professional. Allow yourself to get the help you need.
Xx